Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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