maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
