Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
