So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
