i already hear my dad disowning me
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
