Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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