I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
