There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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