happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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