Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize