im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
