"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
