His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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