So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
