Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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