Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
