Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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