So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
