Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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