The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
