dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
