when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
