First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
