Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
