upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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