I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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