Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
