ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
