i wish starbucks made bloody marys
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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