...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Randomize
