think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
