I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I touched a dick in church today
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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