So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
