Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
