The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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