remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
