if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
