I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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