Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
