I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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