dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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