Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
