Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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