You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
