she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
