The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
