i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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