I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Your cock deserves a montage
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
