you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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