I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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