then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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