I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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