I cannot find my penis.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Barsexuality is the new black.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
