If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
