Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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