I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
