And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
